


Forgiveness

by smarmy_one



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Healing, Post-Canon, Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, Spiritual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24827284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smarmy_one/pseuds/smarmy_one
Summary: Things are going so well for Roy and Riza except for one area of their lives. Can Riza learn to stop blaming herself in order to move on?
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Kudos: 15





	Forgiveness

Riza stared down at the piece of paper the doctor had given her. It wasn’t unexpected news, however every time the same result came back, a little part of her shrank inside. They had been trying for so long, almost a year now, and nothing had happened. 

She folded the small slip and slid it back into her coat pocket, a gloved hand resting over it as she strode through the dimming light of Central City. 

The doctor had ran a string of tests on both of them only gaining inconclusive results in the end. There was nothing inherently wrong; no discernible reason for such a delay. She was healthy, if a bit older than others in her position, and the doctor had assured her it wasn’t a contributing factor. Roy was also healthy and as strong as ever, leading the country in its new democratic state. They weren’t doing the sex part wrong either, of that she was adamantly certain. 

Why then, after they had been through so much together and finally allowed themselves to reach their goals, was this elusive to them? 

Riza sighed and paced on through the nearly empty city streets before reaching her destination. She stood before an old church, cobblestones and moss adorning the footpath that led to the entrance. Gathering the courage she stepped forward and silently slipped through the doors. 

Inside was very dim, a glow of candles giving a soft touch to the darkness. She had never been inside a church before; she had never felt the need to. The stained glass windows and tapestries were daunting in their appearance. Taking a deep breath she slid into a pew and tried to let her intimidation loosen its hold on her.

Roy was a self proclaimed atheist who believed there was no higher power watching over them, they were all left to their own devices and moral code ruled above anything else. Riza had always tried to look at things with reason, to be on the impartial side, but after the events of Ishbal, and the events leading up to the Promised Day, she wasn’t so sure about things anymore. 

So many events in her life had come back to what she had done, the choices she had made, and the reasoning she used to convince herself it was not her fault. She had tried, for so many years to believe that she had been caught up in something beyond her control, something so much bigger than herself and that she had very little to do with the outcome. 

But it was her fault. She was the harbinger of the Flame Alchemist, and she lived or died by her gun, she pulled the trigger and others died by her hand. It was her conscious decision to join the military, her conscious decision to give him the alchemy, and her ultimate decision to  
follow along as she had been ordered to. 

She felt deep down that she was being punished. 

She was foolish to think that all of the work they were doing in Ishbal, and the way they had turned the country around would help her atone for her sins. 

A fool indeed. 

They had waited for so long, finally allowing themselves to find peace in the other’s arms, and they were still being punished. 

Of course they wouldn’t be allowed to create life for all of the ones they had taken. There were too many. Too many faces to block from her dreams, from her everyday life. 

A silent tear slipped its way down her face as she stared at her hands. The hands that had done so much in her life to ever be able to repent for. How could she bring a life into the world with these hands so bloodied? 

Lost in her thoughts she didn’t hear the bench squeak or feel the arm circle around her back.

“Riza, why do you do this to yourself?” 

Roy pulled her closer to lay her head against his chest. Her tears began coming down in full force as he held her in his arms, the silent sobs making his chest tighten. 

“It’s not your fault. You have to learn to let it go.” 

Roy ran a hand through her hair and eyed his surroundings. When she didn’t come home right away after her appointment he had followed his instincts to find her. Lately she had been looking for something in her life that he couldn’t give her. She had walked past this place many times before, but had never stopped. After so many months, he knew she would be at this place where she could let the pain come out. 

Riza burrowed deeper into his chest as her heaviness began to fade slightly. He was always willing to share the burden, though she tried to carry it alone. They were partners, through everything and would always be there for the other. In his embrace she could be the Riza she reserved solely for him, away from the rest of the world. 

Riza pulled back and stared up into his eyes. His hand reached up and wiped away some of her tears. 

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. 

“It’s not your fault.” Pulling back to gaze at her eyes he repeated his action, kissing her forehead once again. 

“It’s. Not. Your. Fault. Do you hear me?” 

Riza swallowed the argument warring within her to take hold and remained quiet for a moment. 

“Sweetheart, you need to start forgiving yourself. It’s time we both did.” 

She turned to face forward and laid her head back against him, taking his hand in her own. 

“If there is a God do you think he’s punishing us?” Riza remained silent while she waited for his answer. 

“I think, that if a supreme being truly existed, they would want you to stop blaming yourself and realize that sometimes these things just happen, or don’t happen, for many reasons that we have absolutely no control over. It has very little to do with things that we may have done in the past.” 

Roy pulled her tighter against him with his arm and laid his palm across her abdomen. 

“If this happens for us, if for whatever reason it does not, nothing will change between us. We are still in this together, my life for your life.” 

Riza took a deep breath and let it out. 

“Once you have finally forgiven yourself, once you are finally able to free yourself from the past, you will understand.” 

She let his words resonate in her mind as a church bell began chiming out the late hour. She stared up at the pulpit, watching as the candlelight flickered from a draft in the large room. Maybe he was right after all, maybe it was truly her that was keeping them from moving forward in this venture. 

She took another breath and closed her eyes. 

_If there is someone out there listening, I would like to ask for guidance in learning to forgive myself. I want to know that I was able to atone for my actions and that I can allow myself to move forward with my life and finally live it for myself. I feel that I’ve done all I can to set things right. Is it time for me to finally be able to live? To be happy? Do I deserve any of this? ___

__Riza’s eyes reopened as Roy set a kiss upon her shoulder._ _

__“I think I’m ready to go now.” Roy rose to his feet and pulled her up to stand. Hand in hand they walked back down the aisle and through the doorway._ _

__Stepping onto the city sidewalk Riza felt a noticeable difference in the weight of her shoulders. It was as if her burden had been lifted tremendously and for the first time in a very very long time, she could breathe again._ _

__Her hand tightened around his as they began walking. The sun had long set and a blanket of stars was lighting up the night sky. The autumn air was light and crisp as she breathed it into her heavy lungs._ _

__As the taxi pulled up to the curb and Roy held the door open for her, she began to believe what he had so persistently told her. She was going to let it go, she was going to accept herself. She was going to live._ _

__Two Months Later_ _

__Riza closed the front door behind her as she took off her boots and hung up her raincoat in the hall closet. An air of silence hung about the residence, but she knew exactly where to find him._ _

__Roy was slumped snoring over his latest addition of paperwork. The desk held several sets she had left out for him, but he had a bad habit of sleeping only on the ones he needed to finish right away._ _

__Sighing at the usual occurrence, she took her own piece of paperwork out from her pocket and slid it directly underneath his head, startling him into an awkward waking that had him scrambling around the desk for his pen._ _

__“Riza, I was just finishing up here.”_ _

__“Of course you were.” She smiled knowing this routine by heart._ _

__When he finally found his pen and went to the top sheet of the pile he stopped in his tracks._ _

__He read over the top few lines of the page and his eyes shot up to meet hers._ _

__A small smile broke out on his face as her eyes began to tear up. Roy ran around the desk, taking her into his arms and kissing her lightly on the lips. Her arms circled his neck as he held her._ _

__“I can’t believe it’s finally happened” Riza breathed into his neck, letting out all the emotions she had been keeping inside of her since the appointment._ _

__Roy pulled back and placed his hand over the tiny lump._ _

__“Equivalent Exchange” he murmured as he splayed his fingers. “We are finally able to give back some of what we had taken.”_ _

__“Not quite.” Roy pulled back and looked into her glinting eyes. “You didn’t read the entirety of the paper I gave you.”_ _

__The amusement in her tone drawing his curiosity, Roy stepped back and grabbed hold of the form. Scanning its contents he stopped halfway down the page and suddenly found himself seated firmly on the floor._ _

__“There are two of them?”_ _

__“Yes, Dear.”_ _

__The joy radiated from Riza’s face as she sat next to him on the floor. Their hands locked as they held each other close and read over the paper detailing the current status of the pregnancy._ _

__“I believe for Equivalent Exchange we would only be having one, but now we are having one, plus one.”_ _

__Her eyes sparkled and Roy smiled at her logic. Even one was more than they had bargained for, now that they were having two they were completely blessed with good fortune. The waiting had certainly paid off, and then some. There was no heaviness here, no burden weighing them down._ _

__She was light as a breeze and smiling in pure happiness. She finally understood. She was the key to her own destiny and she had been set free. They were both free and they were getting a chance to soar._ _

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote and posted this 6/11/2012. 
> 
> Many many things have changed since that time. 4 moves, 2 job changes and 2 children later I'm at a point in my life where I feel I can find the time to write again. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'll have some new stuff up soon. <3


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